Going Down to Get Up

             I was making my way back to my apartment after writing a paper for class and looking up literary magazines that were calling for submissions of poetry and fiction.  I pulled out my phone halfway between the computer lab and my front door to check on my debit card balances, making sure I’ll have enough money to cover my car insurance and two other small bills that would be deducted from my account in the next ten days. I saw that I didn't and became instantly disappointed. I opened my front door, walked to my room, and sat on my bed, slowly, with both hands resting on each knee. I exhaled until I was sitting still upon the comforter that covered my full size bed, too small to prevent my feet from hanging off the edge when I go to bed at night (yes, that is an inside complaint). While sitting there, I remember asking someone to assist me by donating at least $30 (and they did, by the grace of God). At that point, it didn't appear to be enough because I still came up short.

 I begin to reflect upon previous purchases that were mandatory, such as buying a 16GB SD memory card for my Cinematography class, putting aside $5 for some leather gloves (originally $10, but I received a discount), and having to put gas in my car, let along buy a few groceries. It appeared, at this point, that everything I was doing…just wasn't enough. I went back in thought, even further than a few days ago, to over the last few years. I thought about the credit card debt that I had placed myself in (very small compared to most, but almost $1500 was a lot for a college student working part-time).  I thought about the money that I still owe someone who hasn't asked for the remaining amount of $1800 since I paid an installment last year.  I can only imagine the interest I have acquired since then and only God can have blessed me with such a caring and understanding individual.

 I saw myself in a hole, digging deeper and deeper the more I attempted to get out. I could see God’s hand reaching from the top, but not low enough to fully grab my own and pull me up because He knows that would defeat the purpose of learning. It begins to upset me and start to shut down.  I immediately develop an attitude; upset that losing more money…was inevitable because once my bills are deducted and my funds are insufficient, fees will be applied and I can’t afford that.  A cold front was coming in and snow was to be expected here in Augusta after so many years of warm winters.  I decided to head to the store to grab milk and a pizza because I would probably end up staying in the house for the next two days, depending on if Georgia Regents University was going to cancel school.  I stepped outside with my hands in my pocket, freezing as the cold, drizzling rain hit my jack and bare face while I walked towards the nearest store which ended up closing up early due to the weather.

Disappointed, I was making my way back, deciding that I was going to get in my car and drive to Walgreens instead. My head was down, attempting to look away from the chilling air when a relaxing feeling came over me. It was if somebody was giving me a hug that caused me to exhale and allow their arms to cocoon me in emotional comfort.  I reflected on what my Mom told me about when she moved us down here from Arkansas back in 1990 in a white, two-door Escort with a television and my two older sisters.  All she had left…was faith. She knew that whatever God had in store for her, it was much better than what we had in Blytheville.  I remembered the financial hardships we endured and the moments we struggled for bread and milk. One fact was that we were never out of house and home. Our hot water may have been cut off and our cable as well, but we had beds to sleep in and food to eat.  

I’m currently 28-years-old, childless and not married. I’m in my last semester of undergrad. I have a seven-year-old car that has less than 90,000 miles on it, and a job.  What reason do I have to assume that God cannot assist me when He did (and still is) the same thing for my mom who had three kids to take care of? None. God promised us that He’ll never leave nor forsake our presence and though we can’t seem to see him with our human eyes, He’s there, present as the sun in July and as an early moon in November.  Though I was freezing in the mist of cold weather, His promises calmed my shivering skin, reminding me that His presence can be felt when the world offers nothing but numbness and despair. 

Never be afraid to move forward when there appears to be so much behind you, tied to your legs, arms, neck and torso, attempting to pull you back. God has given you the strength to pull the weight (if He hasn't already broken the chains).  You may be feeling that there’s no way you’ll be where you were before things had begun to tumble down, but remember, that’s the point! He doesn't want you to be complacent with your previous position. He wants you elevated much higher and the only way to build you up and make you strong is to break you down and shed that unwanted density so that your wings will have no difficulty assisting you in flight as you begin to soar again, but above the clouds, not below them where you once were.