Think. Speak. Act.

       I didn't really start dating and conversing with women in general until I started college. I've dated women before, but not in such a productive setting as academia. Thanks to my undergrad career, I had the privilege of meeting very beautiful, smart women who had ambitions to become much more than what they currently were at the time. I've attempted to initiate courting relationships that didn't last very long because of my immaturity and inability to fully consider the emotional and spiritual needs of the female courtier. My intentions were noble and my actions were indeed honorable, but never enough to satisfy the requirements of a potential husband (notice I didn't say" mate" because it can imply to an individual that specifically fulfills a sexual desire). I can honestly say that it took me nearly seven years to finally figure out how a young man should approach a female, whether they are seeking a platonic friendship where two friends can converse neutrally about anything outside the realm of courting, or for the sake of obtaining an emotional attachment to the opposite sex, seeking to develop a future union that concludes in marriage.

       Below is a list of actions, based on my experience, that a young man should consider taking when he's collecting numbers and other forms of contact information as well establishing a relationship in the company of unknown females , whether he's single or courting:

(If you're single)

1. Ask for their contact information in person. Don't attempt to acquire it via email, Facebook, or through a friend. Taking the initiative to establish a personal encounter proves that you are equipped with boldness and courage, two admiral traits that a man should possess. The only exception would be if the female is beyond your physical reach, meaning you have to travel hundreds or thousands of miles just to occupy the same city as her.
2. If you're wishing to be just friends, establish that basis through your actions and words.  Do not call or text her before 9 a.m. because they will assume that they are the first thing on your mind, even before breakfast. Also, do not call or text after 9 p.m, because this will give them the impression that they are indeed the last person to occupy the capacity  of your mind before deciding to enter sleep. Even if communication is vital for the sake of giving and receiving information, continue to adhere to these conditions. They are guaranteed to receive your message between the moment you send it and the next time you both exchange words.  Be considerate of how you compliment them and make sure that your intentions are good because even if they do not notice, God does, for He sees everything, even the deepest desires of your heart (Psalms 44:21).
3. If you're going out for lunch, dinner, or simply to meet, make sure you're in a public area or in the company of friends. Isolating yourself with a female (if you're simply friends) may give her the impression that you're seeking to breech that intimate barrier, being exposed to that psychological aspect of the human being only available to individuals with a general interest in courting. Consider going Dutch when paying for the meal or the expenses pertaining to the encounter. If you both are comfortable enough to pay for each other's charges, by all means, don't hesitate. Make sure regulations are in order so that the other doesn't feel obligated towards repayment. Having a neutral understanding is always important. It's similar to going into a sports event as an athlete without a game plan: there will be a lot of awkwardness, misunderstandings, and someone is guaranteed to get hurt, physically or emotionally.
4.  When seeking a potential significant other, use the instinct of your heart and not your sight. One of my favorite songs is "Use Your Heart" by SWV, by which they sing " Use your heart and not your eyes." It is quite easy to become swindled and swooned by the physical appearance of a female, but if there isn't any character compatibility, you will reap the consequences of that ill-advised decision afterwards, whether sooner or later. Take your time. You have so much of it unless your dying, but we're all dying in a sense if you consider the circumstances.  Seek longevity and not short term because short term doesn't allow enough time for wounds to heal, and rebound dates are not the most sufficient Band-Aids.

(If you're involved in a relationship, but have female friends)

1. Make sure your (female) friends are aware of your relationship. Guys, you don't have to walk around with a custom made shirt with your girlfriend's name on it, having it read above it "Property of...". Trust me, when you first meet a female, sooner or later , the question will come up because if they are interested in you, they will act according to your answer, deciding whether to back off or continue pursuing. If they are persistent with trying to get to know you on an intimate level, eager to acquire details of you and your significant other, then that friendship will be troublesome because from that point on, she will be waiting for the moment you are available and vulnerable. She may even go far as to conjure up a conniving plan to break you both up. If this is so, simply remove yourself from this situation out of consideration not only for yourself, but your girlfriend as well. Trust me, you don't want this emotional blood on your hands.
2. Again, adhere to the rules of speaking with your words and primarily with your actions. Over 80% of what we say or have to say is said through our body language. Sometimes we can't help the way we express ourselves, but we can control what we say and how we go about animating our words by way of a moral filter. Do not put your self in a situation where the option of cheating or breaching that unspoken agreement is accessible.  Limit the content of your conversations and be considerate of time slots. Communication before 10 a.m. and after 9 p.m. should be prohibited. You'll be amazed at how much of a difference in comprehension this will make between you, your friend and your girlfriend.
3. There is a mental difference between meeting up and going out with a female friend.  This may be reiterating what was stated in # 3 of the above list pertaining to going out with female friends as a single man, but there's a slight difference.  If ever you are going to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex, make sure it's during the daytime. Solidify the conditions by stating that it's strictly causal, nothing more. Set the terms (if she doesn't beat you to it) so again, there will be no confusion or the notion of leading the other on. Aim not to participate in actions with her that you would solely do with your girlfriend. Giving her the same level of importance fails to make a distinction between both women, thus causing you to question whether or not you're dating the right girl.  If this does happen, then this is a conversation you should share with only two other people--God and your girlfriend. Always go to the source for sufficient answers, nowhere else. You will then be opening doors, creating an entry way for destructive influences.

       Men, we have a huge responsibility. If you're single and if you aim to become some one's intimate companion, aspiring to be more than friends, you have to keep in mind that you will eventually become a husband and a father. You can't go into those relationships with a boyish, self-involved attitude. Your wife and kids are going to need you to be an example. Most modern women are just as strong willed and ambitious as us men and we are no longer becoming necessities.  There's a song entitled "The Worst" by Jhene Aiko where she says " I don't need you/I don't need you/I don't need you/I don't need you, but I want you".
       We should aim to be good men worth desiring, dressing ourselves in morals, ambitions, and a Godly mentality, giving us the ability to war off opposing spirits. No, women don't need us, but they do want us to be there to support them so they can support us in return. There is no hierarchy when it comes to the importance of your souls, but we as men have been given the fortunate obligation of being the head of the household, trusting that we'll set an unbreakable foundation, impenetrable  by human hands. We have to consider how we're presenting ourselves to women because we are the only examples they have. Many have been raised without fathers and are currently raising girls under the same conditions.
       We have the opportunity not to be men with superficial perspectives, wanting women just for the moment to massage our egos and libidos, but to be Supermen--there to protect them because we were made to do so. These women are our mothers, sisters, cousins, friends, queens, jewels. What we say and what we do carries a weight that can feel like an anvil dropped on one's foot from the height of the sky, or become a weightless as it's clouds, made to lift up and rise above our heads where our dreams await to become rain that pour upon us in an abundance. Break that societal mold, unlink yourself from a history chain of mentally and physically abusive men. Love with your words and actions, convincing women that God does exist and He lives in us all because if we're their only access to Him, it'll be a disgrace not to live with Him at the edge of our tongues and fingertips, governing every aspect of our being, for this body is not our own, but the property and creation of much, greater hands.

Always,
Calvin W. Pennywell, Jr.
aka
C.J.