Reflection
It's been four months since I last posted. I usually have much to say when something's heavy on my heart and I need to spill it from my fingers. Moments as such have passed since then, but apparently nothing worth putting into words. Recapping what has occurred, I reflect on life-changing events that have caused me to reevaluate my purpose and faith. Since the end of June, my best friends have had twins (Jeshua and Elijah), I've recorded a few songs (Hip-Hop), decided to go back to school for my Masters in Student Counseling, and I've started dating a friend I've known for three years. We actually graduated college together. She's a vocalist/writer who graduated with a degree in Communications. She's motivational speaker, seeking to assist young girls transition into womanhood, making sure they are aware of their value in the eyes of God. Being her friend has reminded me of my God-given purpose that I've only become aware of over the past four years.
I think back to my first few semesters at then Augusta State University. Comparing the way I was at 21 and myself at 30 presents a great difference. I was selfish with good intentions. I figured since I practiced good morals, that "the ends justify the means". That is not true. During my process of becoming a man, I've hurt people, borrowed money, collected debt, lost a child, and broke many relationships between women who didn't deserve it, despite their past or personality. I've dropped classes, ignored opportunities to establish connections and better myself as a student and potential employee. Yet, God has allowed me to redeem myself. After graduation last year, I was sinking into myself, becoming helpless and needy. I was seeking comfort from a girlfriend who was living her life, friends who were starting a family, and a suppressing drug (pornography) that did more harm than pacify. I started paying attention to what I was writing. Looking in the mirror, I saw the man that I was (Calvin), even the man that I resemble (Calvin Sr.). I saw a chance to become something greater than myself. I wrote in a song that my faith out-weighs my admirable acts, for it is by grace and faith that we have been saved, not by our own doings (Ephesians 2:9).
This post is small because it is a recap of self-inventory. Things are happening for me. They are not loud and boastful things. No one will know about them via social media or any other collective source. You will see it in my walk, the straightness in my back and the depth of my voice. You will see it as I press forward, holding onto the two things no one can take away from me--my purpose and hope. I've heard of cases where hope was beaten, pulled, and yanked from individuals until all that was left was a shell, prepared to be trashed, forgotten, but not for God. He is the only person that can look at us, despite all, and say "I can still use you." He's using me to be the example for young, black men. I'm an alternative. No, I didn't grow up in poverty-stricken neighborhoods where the only thing offered was violence, sex, and death.
Like most families, my father wasn't present, yet my mother was. I was fortunate enough to have a mother that loved me and cared greatly about my educational needs and potential to be at my best at any given moment. I will not apologize for that. What I will apologize for is saying "no" to God in the past. I am Johna, vomited upon the shore after denying myself God's will. At 30, I'm not the richest man in the world. I don't have a black list of random women and contacts to make my life momentarily enjoyable. I do have a car to drive, a job to go to, a bed to sleep in , and food to eat. I live in my means until an increase in funds says otherwise. No, this life isn't glamorous from society's standpoint, but for God, it leaves great room to do what He does best--everything.
Take inventory of your life, whether you're 20, 30, 40, or a breath away from eternity. Don't ask "what have I done for the world?" Instead, ask "What have I done for God?" There is a great difference. When you live your life through God's eyes, the ends ALWAYS justify the means. Love God , love others, and most importantly, love yourself. You may have done some dirty things, making it hard to wipe your hands clean, but you deserve everything simply because you are related to Christ.
I think back to my first few semesters at then Augusta State University. Comparing the way I was at 21 and myself at 30 presents a great difference. I was selfish with good intentions. I figured since I practiced good morals, that "the ends justify the means". That is not true. During my process of becoming a man, I've hurt people, borrowed money, collected debt, lost a child, and broke many relationships between women who didn't deserve it, despite their past or personality. I've dropped classes, ignored opportunities to establish connections and better myself as a student and potential employee. Yet, God has allowed me to redeem myself. After graduation last year, I was sinking into myself, becoming helpless and needy. I was seeking comfort from a girlfriend who was living her life, friends who were starting a family, and a suppressing drug (pornography) that did more harm than pacify. I started paying attention to what I was writing. Looking in the mirror, I saw the man that I was (Calvin), even the man that I resemble (Calvin Sr.). I saw a chance to become something greater than myself. I wrote in a song that my faith out-weighs my admirable acts, for it is by grace and faith that we have been saved, not by our own doings (Ephesians 2:9).
This post is small because it is a recap of self-inventory. Things are happening for me. They are not loud and boastful things. No one will know about them via social media or any other collective source. You will see it in my walk, the straightness in my back and the depth of my voice. You will see it as I press forward, holding onto the two things no one can take away from me--my purpose and hope. I've heard of cases where hope was beaten, pulled, and yanked from individuals until all that was left was a shell, prepared to be trashed, forgotten, but not for God. He is the only person that can look at us, despite all, and say "I can still use you." He's using me to be the example for young, black men. I'm an alternative. No, I didn't grow up in poverty-stricken neighborhoods where the only thing offered was violence, sex, and death.
Like most families, my father wasn't present, yet my mother was. I was fortunate enough to have a mother that loved me and cared greatly about my educational needs and potential to be at my best at any given moment. I will not apologize for that. What I will apologize for is saying "no" to God in the past. I am Johna, vomited upon the shore after denying myself God's will. At 30, I'm not the richest man in the world. I don't have a black list of random women and contacts to make my life momentarily enjoyable. I do have a car to drive, a job to go to, a bed to sleep in , and food to eat. I live in my means until an increase in funds says otherwise. No, this life isn't glamorous from society's standpoint, but for God, it leaves great room to do what He does best--everything.
Take inventory of your life, whether you're 20, 30, 40, or a breath away from eternity. Don't ask "what have I done for the world?" Instead, ask "What have I done for God?" There is a great difference. When you live your life through God's eyes, the ends ALWAYS justify the means. Love God , love others, and most importantly, love yourself. You may have done some dirty things, making it hard to wipe your hands clean, but you deserve everything simply because you are related to Christ.
A lot of people are struggling to hold on to faith, but when you lose hope, the world really fades to grey. Losing faith makes things seem a mile high, but losing hope makes the world so dull and then nothing is exciting. I appreciate your transparency as well. So much has happened to me in the last 9 years and this seems to be the year where I get to turn around and see it all.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog. I really enjoyed this. Made me think a lot about how much life can change in just a few years. When I was a kid, 9 years seemed like such a long time. Now that I'm an adult, that same 9 years as seemed to just slip on past.