30 going on Forever
Christmas music is hovering right below the ceiling of the Augusta Mall. No birds to swoop down in the food court. People are walking around , holding newborns, some still nesting in their mothers' bellies. Employees are wiping down tables, sharing laughs inaudibly , considering my distance from the conversations. The Commodores are now singing something groovy while I finish my fries from Chick-fil-A. Next on my stomach's agenda is devouring a lovely chicken sandwich dressed with pepper jack cheese , veggies and standard condiments. I just got through recording a minute's worth of the environment's natural sound. My girlfriend lives up north. I plan on sending her the file , asking that she describes what she hears. That's what we do. We share life with each other , even when we're states apart. This, here , is living the air with whom your lungs are intimate. This is life. This...is 30.
College , like any life altering experience , was a game changer . A much required upgrade. It was where I found my voice in the world . My opinion wasn't sharp like most power-hungry lighting bolts, but it caused a rumble big enough to shake one person if not a few. It was where I realized that I didn't want to entertain with my words as much as inspire , encourage , and pacify. The power , the ability itself , is beyond my limits, but I possess a key to its door. My work was becoming more therapeutic and transparent opposed to abstract with pretty language . I wanted people to see my flesh, not the literary clothing that covered it. All of those lengthy analytical papers , in-class discussions , peer-disagreements and death stares from impatient professors prepared me for life post twenties. There were other factors--girlfriends , close friends , seasonal acquaintances and mental phases. There were moments where your left was right, dark was night , and yes was no. Your day , at some point , became a box of tooth picks, scattered on the floor before you had to pick which one was brown (I bet you're like Huh?!). That's the thing. What was simple became complicated until the curve straightened. The difficult became easy. Warning signs became your best friend. After so many blind shots in the dark, the target becomes clear as red and white. Aiming for the center isn't as difficult as trying to accept the reality , at an inexperienced age, that you won't hit the center every time .
When your third decade comes around, it's usually a good time to throw back something clear that burns your throat, later governing your decisions . It's a great time to storm a club, hoping to suppress your expectations leading to this point or even celebrate them being fulfilled . It can also be a good time to reflect and regenerate. Take out the Duracell and replace it with longer lasting voltage or simply a different brand. It's time to let go--friends, family members , habits, lies, every hindrance keeping you from claiming your tomorrow. It's time to hold on to anything that gets you closer to it .Time to learn and neglect. The difference between what I am and who I was at age twenty-four is about the same as the the contrast between Nas' Life is Good and J. Cole's Born Sinner -- wisdom and experience. Both versions of myself were smart and capable. Only one was willing to put such character into practice. One looked into the mirror to gain reflection while the other glanced through glass to gain perspective. I see more now. Writing lyrics, listening to Jill Scott's Woman before blasting Andy Mineo's Uncomfortable , running a few miles in fall weather because it hurts so well, talking to God, combing my face, and creasing my pants is apart of my walk. I am no husband, no father, no manager, no grad student. These things may come or stay bottled, waiting for me to break the glass upon my reckoning. All I know is that now...I'm breathing, eager for a bed to rest and start not again, but anew...if God insists.
Being happy means opening the blinds on a cold, rainy day, hearing the water hit the glass as it begs to land. It means being too creative for your hands to register, so you record what springs from your mouth, whether it's a song or a sonnet. Being happy means seeing God in your bills. Choose to let inside the sun. It will shine with or without you. This may not be thirty for you, but it is for me. Realization didn't come with age. It came with surrendering. The moment I did, my life's playground expanded, leaving room for all sorts of fun. Right now, I'm rocking on the swings, aiming to go higher than it can never take me.
College , like any life altering experience , was a game changer . A much required upgrade. It was where I found my voice in the world . My opinion wasn't sharp like most power-hungry lighting bolts, but it caused a rumble big enough to shake one person if not a few. It was where I realized that I didn't want to entertain with my words as much as inspire , encourage , and pacify. The power , the ability itself , is beyond my limits, but I possess a key to its door. My work was becoming more therapeutic and transparent opposed to abstract with pretty language . I wanted people to see my flesh, not the literary clothing that covered it. All of those lengthy analytical papers , in-class discussions , peer-disagreements and death stares from impatient professors prepared me for life post twenties. There were other factors--girlfriends , close friends , seasonal acquaintances and mental phases. There were moments where your left was right, dark was night , and yes was no. Your day , at some point , became a box of tooth picks, scattered on the floor before you had to pick which one was brown (I bet you're like Huh?!). That's the thing. What was simple became complicated until the curve straightened. The difficult became easy. Warning signs became your best friend. After so many blind shots in the dark, the target becomes clear as red and white. Aiming for the center isn't as difficult as trying to accept the reality , at an inexperienced age, that you won't hit the center every time .
When your third decade comes around, it's usually a good time to throw back something clear that burns your throat, later governing your decisions . It's a great time to storm a club, hoping to suppress your expectations leading to this point or even celebrate them being fulfilled . It can also be a good time to reflect and regenerate. Take out the Duracell and replace it with longer lasting voltage or simply a different brand. It's time to let go--friends, family members , habits, lies, every hindrance keeping you from claiming your tomorrow. It's time to hold on to anything that gets you closer to it .Time to learn and neglect. The difference between what I am and who I was at age twenty-four is about the same as the the contrast between Nas' Life is Good and J. Cole's Born Sinner -- wisdom and experience. Both versions of myself were smart and capable. Only one was willing to put such character into practice. One looked into the mirror to gain reflection while the other glanced through glass to gain perspective. I see more now. Writing lyrics, listening to Jill Scott's Woman before blasting Andy Mineo's Uncomfortable , running a few miles in fall weather because it hurts so well, talking to God, combing my face, and creasing my pants is apart of my walk. I am no husband, no father, no manager, no grad student. These things may come or stay bottled, waiting for me to break the glass upon my reckoning. All I know is that now...I'm breathing, eager for a bed to rest and start not again, but anew...if God insists.
Being happy means opening the blinds on a cold, rainy day, hearing the water hit the glass as it begs to land. It means being too creative for your hands to register, so you record what springs from your mouth, whether it's a song or a sonnet. Being happy means seeing God in your bills. Choose to let inside the sun. It will shine with or without you. This may not be thirty for you, but it is for me. Realization didn't come with age. It came with surrendering. The moment I did, my life's playground expanded, leaving room for all sorts of fun. Right now, I'm rocking on the swings, aiming to go higher than it can never take me.
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