To All The Girls I Ever Loved...

Sometimes , I think about them (the women and girls who came before my wife). I see them in my dreams , smiling , either with themselves or other men, happy. That’s what I always wanted for them , even if it wasn’t with me. I guess that’s why they are there, for in my dreams , they can be what they deserve—treated with love and perfect understanding. 

My wife asked me why I didn’t like the past version of myself . I stated I didn’t like who I was , but now , I appreciate what I was becoming. My wife was asking me , in her own way , why don’t you give yourself grace ? I do in a sense , but not as much as I should . If my ex girlfriends deserve love on back order , why shouldn’t I deserve grace for being a jerk , assuming I was the one designated to give it to them ? 

Thinking back , everything appears clear , less foggy. I rarely see them on social media or run into them in public. Where ever they are , I do hope they are pleased with life. We were younger back then , learning about everything around us...and inside of us. That comes with confusion , mistakes , trauma , and wretched natures . 

So to all the girls I ever loved (reference to a Netflix series of movies ), I write an overdue apology and farewell to the old ways that nearly destroyed us. Enjoy the life God gave you, the life I never could.

-Calvin