He Sees Me

I was telling my wife the other day that of all the 90s cartoons I watched, Doug was most relatable. Doug Funnie was a teenager who lived in his head most of the time. It was through his imagination we saw how he viewed the world. He informed us of how much he loved Pattie Mayonnaise and introduced us to his alter ego, Quailman (equipped with a cap, a belt tied around his head and underwear worn outside of his shorts). The neighboring characters , to some degree, represented someone we had an encounter with in school at some point. Being a teenager, facing the uncertainties in life while learning about yourself, can be stressful and embarrassing. Doug illustrated that very well. The reason why I related so much to the show wasn't just because I, too, was a teenager. It was also because in Doug, I saw myself.

Transparency is something I've never had a hard time practicing. Releasing my feelings has always been necessary for me. The issue was expressing them in a way people would understand. Not knowing how to verbally articulate my thoughts caused me to turn to writing instead. This is how I was introduced to writing poetry. It was my second language when I thought the first one would fail me. Writing is basically the transferring of thoughts and ideas from your mind to paper. Seeing that I didn't talk much about them, if nothing was accessible to jot down my feelings, they remained stored in my mind. When you have millions of people tuning in weekly to read your thoughts like the show Doug, it's easy for others to know exactly how you feel. When reality hits and you realize you don't have a large audience, no one knows what's going on upstairs but you...and God. I posted on Facebook the other day about how we get upset for not being heard when nothing is said from us. Even if people can't quite understand, it's better to say something than nothing at all. Suppressing those thoughts only rids people the chance of actually seeing things from your perspective. This isn't shame on them, but shame on us.

A lot has been going on in my mind lately. Many changes are currently taking place that include a career change and creating boundaries between myself and things that affect me negatively. These are things I never thought I would have to consider...until now. The chaos, unfortunately, has spilled over into my most intimate relationships, cause immense confusion and resentment. While walking the other day, I had to repeat to myself, you're not complicated, you're not crazy. I'm undergoing counseling after saying I would consider it for the last few years. Reaching a breaking point caused me to confront the truth that I can't do this alone. No one should. Having a spouse that loves and supports me helps a lot, but she can't fix my internal struggles. That is outside of her jurisdiction. I need the assistance of someone who not only knows how to handle it, but refuses to look at it as an impossible feet. 

This may be farfetched, but I'm going to explain my situation metaphorically. The purpose of doing this is to help someone who could be experiencing the same issue. This is a reminder that you are not alone. I, too, struggle with giving myself grace for being something I was too young to change. I actually texted this scenario to a friend in order to process the idea. The concept is that of the space in my head I've lived in for as long as I can remember. It's the space where my imagination interacts with my reality, causing an unorthodox hybrid of events I call my life.  The funny thing is the space is a small room with nothing but three people...and those people...are me. These three people are actually three versions of myself. There's me as a boy, me as a man now, and me in the future. 

The boy is me from boyhood to my mid 20s. That's a broad timeline, but the connection amongst those years is my level of immaturity. The development of my decision making lacked consistency in wisdom, thus, hindering positive character change. The man I am now started when I turned 30 back in 2015. I had changed jobs after 7 straight years and also decided to date my friend at the time, Adrianne. She is now my wife of nearly two years (we celebrated our 1 year anniversary back in March 2021). This version of me knows what he wants career wise and is choosing to pursue it, despite the friction in the job market and other factors in life. This version is also looking forward to being a father one day and mentoring people who need guidance towards fulfilling their purpose. The third version is me in the future. I have no idea what he's doing or who he's evolved into over the next few decades. He's waiting on my current version to make decisions.

The chaos I spoke of is the confrontation that exists between these versions. My current self is upset with my younger self for not taking up for feelings and being submissive to everyone's suggestions. My current self is mad because he has to do deal with the residue of that character trait at 35-years-old. The version of me in the future is standing straight with his hands down like an usher at the end of a church pew. He's patiently waiting for things to resolve between the younger versions of myself. The youngest version doesn't respond, but simply puts his head down, hurt from disappointing my current self. This continues long enough to convince everyone it will never stop. 

After texting this out to my friend, I was then reminded of Jerimiah 1:5. God says to Jerimiah, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..

God knew I had this character trait...BECAUSE HE GAVE IT TO ME! He created me! There's no way for him to miss that or anything, for nothing surprises God. It was at that moment I saw God entering the room, seeing the pain erupting from everyone's heart, simply saying, you're not crazy, you're not complicated. I see things getting quiet. I see my younger self lifting my head. I see my current self putting my finger down from pointing at the boy. I see my older self looking and listening intently to what God is saying. God simply says I love you, for my grace is sufficient. God isn't present to say I am worthless, but to remind me that I'm worth dying for via the sacrifice of His Son. He loves all versions of me, for collectively, I am the person I was destined to be. 

My wife reminded me last night that the young me...was just a boy. A boy. She said you can't expect a 12-year-old to have 35-year-old wisdom and understanding. You also can't expect your current self to know everything your future self does and is still learning. The key words are grace and mercy. I have to give myself grace for being young and human. I also have to give myself mercy for making repeated mistakes, despite knowing I should have done differently. When all else fails and I feel no one understands me, I remember that God sees me in my raw form, broken pieces and all, saying I am worthy. He's reminding me nothing I do is too complicated for Him to use for the good of those who love Him...and are called according to His purpose. Nothing feels better than someone saying I see you in the middle of your turmoil, for they see who you are and not what you're doing.