I Had to Wait
Rewind back to 2010. I had turned 24 and was in a relationship with a young girl. If I haven't mentioned before, it was the most destructive courting relationship I've ever experienced. Keep in mind, we were both hurting each other from the inside out. It started one day while lying in bed. She was barely clothed and I had only taken off my shoes. It was obvious she was prepared to have sex. I wasn't. I told her I was saving myself until marriage. She patted my chest, saying , you hold on to that. I bargained my innocence for what I assumed was the best decision since I did plan on marrying her. Ha!
She was the first sexual partner I ever had. Fast forward to 2015. I'm highly depressed, sleeping in a room at my Mom's house. It's just me and our dog staying there for the time being. I arrived home from a night shift at a job I hated. Getting into bed, I recall pulling back the covers, saying to God, please take me in my sleep, for I do not have the gumption to end my own life. The next morning, I received a text message from my high school girlfriend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in about 10 years. This has to be from God, I assumed. Excited, we began to talk, catching up with details of our individual lives over the last decade. We decided to revisit our relationship and start back courting. She caught a plane to visit me for a week. There was no hesitation towards sexual intimacy. She flew back home , leaving me with a sense of uncertainty. Will this last longer than before? Apparently not, for a month or two later, we ended. She was my second sexual partner.
If you were to ask me what I was looking for, my answer wouldn't be what you expect. I wasn't searching for sex. I was searching for my wife...with whom I could have sex. There's a difference. Notice how each previous relationship lacked intimacy. It wasn't the kind you find in bed sheets, but the kind in which you drown in conversation. There's an even exchange of talking and listening. The foundation is building to hold something heavier. I didn't have that with any of these two young ladies. I believe what I wanted was masked in desire too thick to see what was more important. Precaution was tossed to the side, left to be trampled upon and forgotten. Hurting someone was never a possibility to me in reference to consequences. As long as my intentions are good, so are we, I thought to myself. Wrong!
I waited four years after 2011 before breaching my celibacy and an additional five after 2015. It was a collective nine years after my first sexual encounter. The most difficult aspect of this process was growing into a man. Most importantly, I was taking note of how selfish I was. I was ridding these young ladies an opportunity to have what they wanted--a sense of security. I never used a condom, nor did I stick to restraining from sex when compelled to do so through spiritual conviction. Waiting for my wife didn't just help me learn, but help me heal. Something was torn inside of me. There was a separation...similar to when Adam and Eve committed the first sin. I learned saving myself for my wife was a way for me to reconnect with God regarding my chastity. A safe space was needed to practice the closest way of expressing physical affection. Enters marriage.
Why did I get married? Sorry to quote a Tyler Perry movie title, but to answer the question, it wasn't just to have sex, but to have sex...with my wife...and partake of everything packaged with it. I wanted to do right by God and abide by His covenant, for it offers protection beyond man-made prophylactics. The sourness I felt after every sexual encounter lingered like the thick, stench of sewage. Knowing I shouldn't have participated, I regretted every minute. Enjoying sex in my twenties wasn't a thing for me. The repercussions were too heavy for my heart to hold. I wanted to hand over the weight to someone who could not only sustain the mass, but sanitize the mess I made.
As a man, remember your responsibility for yourself and others. Remember how high in regards God holds you. You are His mirror, His creation. It's difficult to realize when we shatter the glass. He was calling me to leadership at a young age, but I couldn't see it among the fog of ignorance. I had to wait, for what I needed was freedom...from my self-destruction, freedom...from destroying others. I needed freedom...from soiling my spirit...from the outside in. Sex...lacks substance...when it's void of spiritual connection. It may feel good, but sex alone cannot fill you.
She was the first sexual partner I ever had. Fast forward to 2015. I'm highly depressed, sleeping in a room at my Mom's house. It's just me and our dog staying there for the time being. I arrived home from a night shift at a job I hated. Getting into bed, I recall pulling back the covers, saying to God, please take me in my sleep, for I do not have the gumption to end my own life. The next morning, I received a text message from my high school girlfriend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in about 10 years. This has to be from God, I assumed. Excited, we began to talk, catching up with details of our individual lives over the last decade. We decided to revisit our relationship and start back courting. She caught a plane to visit me for a week. There was no hesitation towards sexual intimacy. She flew back home , leaving me with a sense of uncertainty. Will this last longer than before? Apparently not, for a month or two later, we ended. She was my second sexual partner.
If you were to ask me what I was looking for, my answer wouldn't be what you expect. I wasn't searching for sex. I was searching for my wife...with whom I could have sex. There's a difference. Notice how each previous relationship lacked intimacy. It wasn't the kind you find in bed sheets, but the kind in which you drown in conversation. There's an even exchange of talking and listening. The foundation is building to hold something heavier. I didn't have that with any of these two young ladies. I believe what I wanted was masked in desire too thick to see what was more important. Precaution was tossed to the side, left to be trampled upon and forgotten. Hurting someone was never a possibility to me in reference to consequences. As long as my intentions are good, so are we, I thought to myself. Wrong!
I waited four years after 2011 before breaching my celibacy and an additional five after 2015. It was a collective nine years after my first sexual encounter. The most difficult aspect of this process was growing into a man. Most importantly, I was taking note of how selfish I was. I was ridding these young ladies an opportunity to have what they wanted--a sense of security. I never used a condom, nor did I stick to restraining from sex when compelled to do so through spiritual conviction. Waiting for my wife didn't just help me learn, but help me heal. Something was torn inside of me. There was a separation...similar to when Adam and Eve committed the first sin. I learned saving myself for my wife was a way for me to reconnect with God regarding my chastity. A safe space was needed to practice the closest way of expressing physical affection. Enters marriage.
Why did I get married? Sorry to quote a Tyler Perry movie title, but to answer the question, it wasn't just to have sex, but to have sex...with my wife...and partake of everything packaged with it. I wanted to do right by God and abide by His covenant, for it offers protection beyond man-made prophylactics. The sourness I felt after every sexual encounter lingered like the thick, stench of sewage. Knowing I shouldn't have participated, I regretted every minute. Enjoying sex in my twenties wasn't a thing for me. The repercussions were too heavy for my heart to hold. I wanted to hand over the weight to someone who could not only sustain the mass, but sanitize the mess I made.
As a man, remember your responsibility for yourself and others. Remember how high in regards God holds you. You are His mirror, His creation. It's difficult to realize when we shatter the glass. He was calling me to leadership at a young age, but I couldn't see it among the fog of ignorance. I had to wait, for what I needed was freedom...from my self-destruction, freedom...from destroying others. I needed freedom...from soiling my spirit...from the outside in. Sex...lacks substance...when it's void of spiritual connection. It may feel good, but sex alone cannot fill you.
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