Bursting Through Mediocrity

Sitting at a desk in front of a  protective glass due to COVID-19, I’m staring at a stack of returned mail from patients . I have to call each one to update their information so they can receive their overdue bills. It’s after lunch and more patients are coming in soon for afternoon appointments. Not a lot , for everything is limited because of the virus , even the number of patients seen in the clinic.

My coworkers are talking about one of their grandkids and how fast he’s growing. He was born shortly after I started working here. He’s about to be five. Every minute , the phone rings. A patient either wants to make a payment or complain about not getting their way. 

Despite only getting paid enough to maintain my stay in a one bedroom with my wife and two pets , I have to listen . They pour out their anger , pain, and impatience into the cave of my ears for 5-10 minutes. During that time , everything is my fault...and for the sake of the facility’s reputation, they are right.  

When I get home , I take our dog out , feed her and the cat treats before either hitting the gym , browsing a few stores , or steaming Netflix. My wife gets home before we both get comfortable, talk about our day, pray , and get in the  bed. I might wake up at 3:17 am to use the bathroom only to have trouble reentering REM sleep for 20 minutes. I wake up at 6:20 am via my alarm , resist getting out of bed until 6:40 , only to start this over again. 

The question I must ask before turning the door knob to cut on my car and let run for 5 minutes to defrost the windshield is “Is this all worth it?” The answer is unapologetically, sincerely and heartbreakingly no. Since that’s the case, something must change so that everything else does. 

I...cannot go on like this. Everyone in my life doesn’t deserve this version of me. They are my responsibility as well. If  am creating a hindrance in some fashion, it must be fixed. I...must be fixed . The feeling of brokenness has numbed me enough to call the day I spelled out to you “a routine”. Let’s not continue this journey of empty joy and dense sadness. I don’t deserve it. We don’t deserve it. Let’s do better , let’s stay hungry for God’s milk and honey. It’s time to leave Egypt. It’s time to walk through the split sea. It’s time to drown our repression. Next time I describe my day to you , it will end with what it begins—satisfaction.