No Need to Explain

I enjoy calling my Mom to thank her for the way she raised me. If left solely to the opinions of my sisters and I, Mom...could do no wrong. She made many sacrifices for the sake of our livelihood. There's no telling where we would be had she not been the person she was and still is. I contacted her the other day to thank her for giving me hope as a little boy. It was because of her resilience and refusal to quit that I find myself exhibiting the same characteristics. Please, never assume a child isn't watching how a parent lives their life. Good or bad can come of it, but the constant factor is influencing the way a child processes their reality.

After I complimented my Mom for being awesome, she proceeded to state how much I had been on her mind. She was concerned about where my head was, seeing that I recently stopped an internship 6 weeks into a 12 week program and was no longer attending college (as a post-baccalaureate). Maybe it was just me, but I could sense a hint of disappointment in her voice. The older you get, the more you're able to pinpoint expectations in people's responses. Mom didn't mean any harm. She was concerned like any other parent. Feeling like a little boy, I felt the urge to explain my sudden shift in plans. The child in my head dropped his shoulders and head before mumbling what happened...while the adult that I am exclaimed, You are a whole 35-years-old. Better yet, you're a whole husband! It was then I remembered I owed no explanation to my mom. The only people that mattered was my wife and God...and God already knew my intentions.

Explaining myself has been a habit since childhood. I was always getting into trouble, whether it was breaking a window or misbehaving in class. As a child, I felt I was misunderstood, for all you could see were the repercussions to my abrupt actions. My explanations couldn't really justify the means to an end, specifically if a safer option was available. I still felt someone needed to understand the unseen. They needed to comprehend the intent. The question I never thought to examine was what if no one ever does. Where would that leave me? Would I be devastated? It depends on where I'm placing all of my hope. Placing hope in strictly people is something no one should do. I learned that years ago, constantly reminding myself not to repeat the habit. When you feel you have to spill every detail of your decisions, whether you believe it or not, you're asking for permission. You're subconsciously requesting the approval of others. 

Don't ask for permission. Ask for forgiveness. If you're waiting for the former, you might waste more time than you planned to give. Do what you have planned! Take no mind to how pretty it should be. Puzzles are messy before you place that last piece out of 500. As a mechanic, cars are messy until you turn on the engine and cruise that red mustang down the interstate highway. Relationships are messy until you view it as a growing process, forever evolving, forever refining. You don't have to share your plans with people. You don't have to share it with your parents (when you're living on your own) or your friends. If you decide to move, your friends are going to be hurt. They're going to miss you. When you leave, you're going to miss some major events in their lives. Don't ask for permission to possibly disappoint them. You're going to do that anyway. You might as well do and apologize later. No one truly knows your intent except you...and God. If you're not pleasing Him, then who? Christian or not, you're responsible for your life. No one else is.