Scared of a Decline

 “Now what if I choose/ the wrong thing to do/ I’m so afraid /afraid of disappointing you” -Yolanda Adams, “Open Up My Heart”

The irony in this song is that for me, disappointing God isn’t the problem, for THAT is impossible. The issue...is disappointing myself. My entire life, I’ve made decisions, hoping not to make others upset with how I live my existence. Now, I’m struggling to fulfill my own expectations...and it’s crippling.

It started after experiencing the initial peace of deciding to pursue writing professionally. I’m aiming to do so in a creative capacity where original content is generated by my own doing opposed to being received from a company for editing and distribution. 

This would be the dream for me...or maybe a vision I feel God has yet condoned. When I was younger , I thought this was too much to ask for, too big for reality. I set it aside for years before approaching it again...in my mid 30s. I’ve accomplished much in the last decade, but that little boy inside is still shying away from the impossible. Why is that?

As a kid, your imagination is as big as your zeal, if not bigger. There are no glass ceilings when it comes to fulfilling the mind’s desire to create. If I felt this courageous and unstoppable before, why the hesitation now that I have more resources, knowledge, and wisdom? There’s something missing. Maybe there’s a blockage, a fear of the unknown and the unreliable. If that’s the case and I’m a firm believer in Christ who is the rock , the way and the light , from what darkness am I seeking refuge and comfort? Judging by my mild anxiety and scattered job search, whatever I’m using it isn’t helping.

Another aspect of this dilemma is possibly receiving a no for what I really want. I explained to my wife that I’ve never received what I truly desired—happiness. I never had contentment with where I was, where I am, and where I’m going. I’ve been blessed with many things in my life, from my very first car to a computer to support my writing and podcasting needs (including a microphone). There were times I would receive, but not fully appreciate. It was only because of my hunger for something more substantial and everlasting.

My Mom told me as kid to never hesitate to ask for anything. If you do, you never know what the answer would be. I recall more declines than approvals during my childhood, but it was only to better my development through the eyes of a parent. That sounds familiar.

Matthew 7:7-8 encourages us to ask for what we want and knock on doors to open. Though God knows what we want , He wants us to come to Him with specifics. It may be the key to accessing something pending our request, our acknowledgment. God rather have us ask Him than anything/anybody else, for no one knows us better. It’s the trusting process that’s challenging.

Going back to my appreciation, I recall it’s not God that has to change, but my perspective. There were many gifts that came my way without me asking for them. Imagine if I actually requested for something else...or something more. Would I have gotten it? Who knows. The factor is not just asking, but communicating. The more Mom and I communicated, the more she understood my needs and wants. Receiving stuff should not be the byproduct of seeking a better relationship with anyone, let alone God.

If anything, I do hope what I want matches what God wants for me. My doubt and resistance is reflected upon His reputation. If he has a history of being the beginner and finisher, the author and illustrator of all life and matter, the epitome of perfect love, why do I question His execution, His consistent follow through ? All of His blessings have saved my life. So ,the conclusion is if a decline is made, it only means I should keep knocking until the door opens. I must ask until I receive what is due to me, what is best for my purpose, His Glory. Am I prepared to approach locked door knobs and hear no verbal responses? Probably not, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to learn more about someone who knows me well enough to give me exactly what I need.