Balance: $2.48

This is after health insurance, taxes and my desire to care 

are removed from gross pay.

This is after gas is put in the car, used to go to work and walk around the mall, 

wishing to buy shoes for a small closet.

This is after buying snacks at 9pm 

when you and your spouse attempt to figure out what to do 

between now and the rest of your life.

This is after more space appears in the fridge, 

making me more aware of spots in need of removal 

and the spaghetti that must last an entire week.

This is after renting two movies from Red Box 

because every streaming service is pending a series I can't finish 

without thinking about changing careers.

This is after leaving the Burger King drive through 

with enough fries to make me regret breaking my restraints 

and feeding my body processed health problems.

This is after buying masks on Amazon, 

yet still feel like dying with COVID in a 800 square foot apartment, 

scared to pray for healing I won't receive until I'm ready to die.

This is after the gym membership is deducted 

from my concern about a facility full of people 

sick with no need to spare the lungs of others.

This is after the desperate purchase at the store, 

knowing I couldn't even afford to second guess the clearance rack.

This is after rent is paid, after Navient quits calling, 

after not tithing this time because trust costed too much, 

and after the cat and dog needed refills for their food containers.

This is after I sit on the couch, resting, 

watching an old movie with a new feeling of ease, 

waiting for the day a balance is large enough to appreciate this current struggle.