The Pit

I'm a 26 year old junior in college, majoring in English.  I've been attending Augusta State since fall of 2007. I've been placed on academic probation in the past not because of grades, but because of withdrawing from classes more frequently than I should.  I've dated a few girls since I first enrolled and all relationships have ended badly.  I have no money (and I do mean NADA) to my name, having a -$159 in my back account which will consume half of my check come Friday. I have to pay $223 dollars to get my car from Tires Plus which has already been serviced. I'm one month behind on my rent and I'm pretty sure two weeks from now, my Sprint HTC Evo will be cut off temporarily. I texted my Mom to see if she would help me out and with the same endearment that she's bestowed upon me since the day i was born, she replies:" Sorry, CJ. I will not help you this time. I love you." That was it. I wasn't really expecting that, but that was the best part about it. I turned 26 a week ago and I'm still acting the same way I was when i turned 21 (which is very bad).  My greatest fear is that I will end up doing something I hate doing solely for the sake of money or that I'll end up getting paid while fulfilling a career reflecting my own personal expectations of excellence and skill with no wife to share those moments. In a nut shell, i fear being alone and being broke. If you haven't figured it out already, something's wrong. Very wrong! What happened, is what I ask myself as i sit here, still in my work clothes, typing this blog. I have completely lost sight of what's really important, or may I say WHO's really important-God. God said that a child MUST be chastised if he or she is ever going to learn.  I personally don't know what's going to happen over the next two months. The semester is almost over and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do well in a few of my classes.  I was sitting in my Southern Lit. class as the professor was lecturing, and i was drawing the words " I don't want to be here (again) ". The word "here" isn't in reference to place, but condition. So many times has my Mom assisted me in cleaning up my mess, but she basically said "not this time" with such subtlety and I greatly thank her for that. God knows i don't deserve a mom like her, my friends, my job, or anything else. I pray that he grants me amnesty and that he allows me to get through this instead of completely removing me from the situation. I've learned so much from my Mom and one thing I remember her telling me is to NOT to ask God to take you out of the fire, but to allow you to burn so that you will know what pain really feels like, lessening your chances of ever getting burned again. I love my Mom so much and I thank her for her wisdom and kind words. I can actually see myself in a hole that I've dug, reaching up for her hand and watching her pull up a chair and saying,"No son, not this time.I love you, but you have to get yourself out." My prayer is that God's will be done for he is my father and I am his privileged son.